How my childhood fake ponytail prepared me for a lifelong battle with anxiety

Plus, my top four non-conventional, but fun coping mechanisms.

As a child with little to no hair who got her first (very scarce) “haircut” at five years old, I remember thinking I’d never be pretty. My parents even bought me a baseball cap with a fake (blonde???) ponytail after I requested one from Santa Claus for Christmas. But at some point, the baseball cap had to come off and reveal my sadly almost bald head. It was a sweet, hilarious, but temporary fix for a bigger insecurity. Along with the baseball cap, I also had a Dorothy Gale wig to fully complete my Wizard of Oz costume and a beanie with a more realistic, long black ponytail. Little did I know that my ponytail caps would be the first both physical and metaphorical hat I would put on to battle many more insecurities and anxiety. 

I was obsessed with my ponytail hats that covered my otherwise very sparse head of hair!

Yes, anxiety. The emotion that I believe looks exactly how depicted in Inside Out 2 – frazzled, chatty, and over controlling. The emotion that, unlike in Inside Out 2, did not make its debut during puberty. Rather, my anxiety been present for the faux ponytail era, my breakdowns from first grade fast-fact tests (shout out Mrs. Pool), my ACT and LSAT, any confrontation, any possible confrontation, and every day activities like chewing too loudly or being marked as “too much.” And even as a child, I was anxious to be included – often exclaiming that “Ina (my childhood nickname for myself) too go” when I saw one of my parents leave the room. From being a pathological people pleaser to suffering from mental blocks during tests and struggling to fall asleep at night, my anxiety is whether I like it or not – a part of me. 

She’s (I’ve decided it’s a she) sits with the rest of my emotions to yes, sometimes say the worst thing at the wrong time, but a healthy dose of anxiety can be beneficial. As a young woman living in New York after all, I have to trust when that shrill voice says “something doesn’t feel right” or “that man across the street has a knife, turn the f*ck around.” So, while it’s at times been my wish to click my heels three times and eradicate anxiety from my emotional roulette completely, I recognize that’s not healthy either. 

Having a lot of practice and therapy, I’m now getting comfortable with my brain’s permanent tenant. And if she’s gonna squat rent free, I don’t have to always listen, but I have to find ways to cope. Just as I used my ponytail accessories to make light of my anxiety of never growing beautiful like my mother, I’ve developed a few ~unconventional~ mechanisms that are completely free, don’t require leaving my apartment or workspace, and help me stay present and grounded. 

While coping isn’t eradication — I still have to face things I don’t always want to — it’s crucial to surviving and thriving.

Before I dive into my methods, I have to mention I am horrible at meditating – and I know hard-core advocates will say “it’s a practice – you can’t be bad at it.” If that’s you, bravo, but it’s failed to work for me. Part of my over controlling anxiety – and just general personality – is that I’m admittedly a productive control freak. I don’t do mental or actual silence well. And as a do-er, “meditating” (Christina’s Version) often turns into either a spiraling session or time for me to make a virtual to-do list in my head that I’m itching to start. BUT I did find ways to be still, grounded, stay present, and start my day all while still being productive. These are some of them.

1. Pretending like I’m filming a Vogue Beauty Secrets video 

I started religiously watching Vogue’s Beauty secrets videos during COVID lockdown in 2020. The videos feature celebrities, and pop culture icons detailing their skincare and makeup routines usually while in a luxury hotel or bathroom. From the production to the products and soothing voices of celebs like Candance Swanepoel and Jessica Chasitain, I find the videos beautiful and calming. Plus, I learn a lot of makeup tips from some of the most stunning faces on the planet.

After watching virtually every Beauty Secret video that came out, I found myself subconsciously pretending that I, too, was talking to Vogue while doing my makeup before a day of work. I started silently detailing every product I was using – brand, shade, etc. – and how I was applying it and where I learned the tip from. It was a simple, pleasurable moment of play-pretend that brought me back to my childhood dress up days. A true time for just myself in the morning.

 I realized on mornings I would listen to a podcast or catch up on an episode of the Bachelor while getting ready, I wasn’t as present for the rest of the day. Every mistake wasn’t taken at face value, but rather the first domino that would fall in a future-tripping chain reaction that ended in convincing myself I was worthless, dumb, and about to be fired. 

On mornings where I looked in the mirror and silently told the fake camera that “I love the Rare Beauty blush in shade Happy because it gives such a nice shimmer, especially when I drag it across my nose to give a natural ‘caught in the sun look’ or “My Nonna always told me never to leave the house without a lip” before applying my L’Oréal lip liner, I was more settled. More rooted. More equipped to take a step back before even making a mistake, or when I inevitably did, seeking a solution rather than submitting to a spiral. 

Now, even if I’m not doing an entire makeup look, I make sure to either start my morning or reset when I’m in a funk by walking to my vanity and doing some skincare or light makeup while speaking to my anxiety as if it was the Vogue videographer. And I feel mentally and physically beautiful after.

2. Internally “vlogging” my day

Similarly, I, like many Gen Z-ers keep up with influencers. Despite my recent TikTok activity, I don’t necessarily want to be one, but I have a few comfort content creators (Eli Rallo, Alix Earle if you somehow ever read this I love you) who video blog (vlog) their days. And after spending way too much time on my phone, I also found myself subconsciously “vlogging” my own day in my head. I’d walk to my beloved Nespresso and think “I first have to have coffee in the morning otherwise I don’t function,” to my bed where I’d find motivation to make it to internally document that “now I’ve made my bed.” 

When I first observed my internal vlog, I admittedly cringed myself out. Why can’t I be thinking of what to write for my next article instead of telling absolutely nobody that “I popped into Ralph’s to get the new gingerbread latte”? But, I quickly – and wisely may I add – realized that the voice was my nagging anxiety talking. Why can’t thoughts just be thoughts? And as I continued to silently vlog and only take mental videos, I noticed that like with my faux Vogue videos, I was more present. Instead of always feeling like I needed to focus on what came next, whether in the next five minutes or the next five years, I rooted myself in the present by taking note of my surroundings. 

So, if I ever look like I’m off in space, I’m actually attempting to be right where I am – by living my best fake influencer life detailing the vlog you won’t see on TikTok. 

3. Setting up an ambiance for a daunting task

As someone who always needs to feel productive, I often just want to “get things done” to check it off a list. However, that doesn’t mean I get the task done well. In journalism and publishing, especially, there’s an odd balance of speed and efficiency and quality. The two don’t always go hand in hand. Especially if an assignment doesn’t click, I’m tired, or I just feel out of creative inspiration. Realistically, I know that every work I produce isn’t going to be the best thing ever. Sometimes, I go back and even read pieces I was originally super proud of and think “wow this needed some edits.” When first starting my career, that fear used to overwhelm and consume me. That there are infinite possibilities and always room for more edits, yet I had to turn something in on a deadline. That anxiety turned into major writer’s block, and resulted in a multitude of shitty articles and an avoidance of sitting at my office or home desk. 

A typical desk setup when I start to write. Coffee and a candle.

But I couldn’t avoid it. The healthy part of my anxiety said “um hey girl you gotta work or else you are actually gonna be fired.” So, I grabbed a coffee, lit a candle, threw on a playlist, and wrote until something made sense. Whether placebo or sheer luck, creating a comforting surrounding made a once daunting task a bit more exciting. And now when I’m in a creative rut, I create what I think to be a movie-like scene that’s too good to step away from so that I just have no choice but to dive into my task. My work will look better if my desk is set up like Carrie Bradshaw’s or Andie Anderson’s while writing, right? It’s no longer “work” if it’s more of a ritual. It may sound simplistic or “woo woo,” but preparing my surroundings sets an intention to do something not only “productive,” but good. 

4. Looking through (and cleaning out) my camera roll 

I’m cheap and don’t buy Wi-Fi on the plane – and I forget to download movies or TV shows until it’s too late. When I don’t feel like reading, I take the internet-free time to go through and clean out my camera roll. I inevitably find accidental screenshots of my home screen, videos of the street, and duplicate photos. But I also take that time to reflect on the memory associated with that photo, with who I was at that moment of time, and with the people I’m privileged to have around me. I always step off the plane excited to fill my camera roll with more memories instead of being fearful of the future. And lately I’ve been challenging myself to turn to my camera roll when I’m in a funk. To remind myself of the many people that love and care about me and the moments I’ve pushed through to be where I am today – and to clear out the clutter that no longer serves me. 

Anxiety is a unique condition, so it by no means has a one size fits all solution, but these quirky methods help to center me in conjunction with therapy, exercise, journaling, and medication.

Coping isn’t as easy as throwing on a fake ponytail cap anymore, but it can still be fun and unique to my needs and habits. And if you also struggle with anxiety and find it hard to embrace “just breathing,” meditation, don’t have the time to go on a walk or journal, I hope some of these different but fun methods help ground and soothe you.

Xx, 

Christina